The Hill Show
04. To Hopeful Single Guys Everywhere

      

With John’s little joke, the inevasible question was suddenly back to present again! “Will I find my love?” I don’t know whether I still believe it or not. Maybe there isn’t someone for everyone, and even if there is really someone for everyone, how can we be sure we are that particular one for this “someone”. What if our someone has another someone? Is he still our someone? Or should we keep on pretending to be an optimist and repeating the affirmations of “that our love is still waiting out there”, “that the best is yet to come”, “that we’ll find our love some day.” again and again; Or should we face the fact that some people will never find their someone, and we might just be one of these people! Is it pathetic to be a pessimist? Is it still hopeful?

      The frustrating thing is: I think I did once find love, those days were so beautiful. And I thought he was my someone. But then, it completely fell apart! Now I just don’t think this belief will work for me. I do want to believe, but I’m afraid he might take away my ability to do so. I hate that feeling, because I once believe in that unpromisingly. That is so frustrating. And if I can be satisfied with being single when I don’t believe in “my someone will come some day”, things won’t get as complicated as they are now. But the more frustrating thing is: I can’t. Every time when loneliness strikes, I find myself so powerless to fight. When someone attractive come into my world, the butterfly in my stomach makes me desperately gambling that this time he must be my someone, leaving my sanity yelling excrescently. But see what it turns out. They got hurt, and I got more frustrated and guilty each time.

      To make things even more frustrating, yesterday afternoon on my way home, when I was still so-called “dating” the city, a pouring rain was suddenly emerged, maybe it was a revenge of the city for using it as an excuse. It surely took me into a fluster, with no umbrella, no raincoat, no where to hide, no nothing…in fact, the only things I’m with then, were some important books that I couldn’t afford to get wet. I had to run back home in this--to me, it was a--disaster. As if my all failed relationships haven’t sufficiently harassed me enough, even the city refused to give me a little peaceful time!

      When I rushed back home, all wet and exhausted, I quickly slammed the door, changed my cloth, and made myself a cup of green tea. That was warm and nice. Then I began to write my dairy, as I’m typing, I suddenly had a thought, I wondered: behind those doors, how many people are there now leaning on their loved ones, feeling the warmth of love; and behind the other doors, how many people are there, just like me, making a cup of hot green tea for themselves. And I assume most, if not all, of those who have someone to lean on, must once been though the time when they had to make tea alone. They must once felt lost and frustrated as we do. But they found their ways to get to where they are now. Only, what I still don’t know is: “how?”

     Three cups of green tea and several pieces of digestive biscuits later, still typing my poorly sophisticated diary, and I found the rain was stopped. As I open the door, a great breeze with the smell of fresh air came right into my face, every raindrop, like a crystal, was sparkling under the beautiful sunshine. How wonderful the day could be. Then I suddenly realized, even as reliable as the city that give you a hard time, all you need to do is just to slam the door and make yourself a nice cup of tea, and as you open the door again, you’ll find the sun is shining brightly out there. So will our love, no matter how hard it is now, things will eventually work out, and we will be there, with or without our realization. Though we can’t figure it out how, but somehow like the whether, it just will. Yes it is hopeful!

      As I turned back to my computer, I wondered, how many hopeful single guys in the city have opened their doors? What about those who haven’t? So I decided to entitle my dairy “To Hopeful Single Guys Everywhere”, dedicated to those who have opened their doors; to those who are opening their doors; and to those who are going to open their doors, and especially to my friend “remembermq” and the guys like him, who haven’t realized that there is a door----You’ll see the sun!

The Hill Show
03. The Awful Truth

      

After several hot dates with the city, I began to convince myself that my relationship with the city is getting serious. But the other day, when I told john about I did not know there was a collapse in Guangzhou causing several people injured and dead until 2 days after that, he and Mickey were totally shocked, not for the devastating disaster, but for the fact that I，the so called “lover of the city”, wasn’t aware of this shocking news which, apparently, was regarded by every single Guangzhou citizen as “news of the month”. John laughed at me and said: “how can you say you’re dating the city when you don’t care about him?” There, even scarier then the disaster， was the truth, the truth that I’m so afraid to admit: I’ve been kidding myself. The city was not my love at all. I’m just using it as some kinds of shelters or escapes for not facing my fear. I’m so afraid that I may lose something that is so important to me, and once was firmly rooted in my mind! I know what I’m gonna say may come as a shock, but it’s been in my heart for so long, and I’m so frightened, so at this moment, I finally decide to let it go. But just before I say anything, I wanna make it clear, for the third time, that what I’m trying to express is just my feelings and thoughts, not the judgment or complaint of any of the people that I’m going to mention in the following passage.

      It is all about believing.
      After breaking up with Mr. Monkey, known as “the first love in my life”, I’ve been with two great men, Mr. Jarry & Mr. Longman. In many people’s eyes, they are just so out of reach, and how lucky should Hill be to have them as his boyfriends. That is true, they really are great men: Jarry, the little cute looking yet talented guy, who got the key to the door of one of the most famous universities in China at the age of 15; And Mr. Longman, the tall handsome young man, whom most of the gay man find irresistible even at the every first sight. But even being with such kinds of extraordinary men, I still found something wired, something was missing, deep down in my heart. A feeling that I couldn’t name, but I could clearly tell. Things are different from my first love. I knew exactly why and what did I love Mr. Monkey. I knew the road would be long and tough, but by looking into his eyes, I found my reasons and determination to walk along, till death do us apart. But not with Jarry and Longman, I try very hard to convince myself that they are the one, but no matter how hard I tried, I just can’t! Every time when I ask myself the same old question of “Am I gonna stay with this man for the rest of my life?”, instead of the straight forward answer “YES” that used to pop up in my mind in my “Monkey Time”, something was lingering over my head: “AM I…?”

      To the old fashion argument of “Do you believe in love?” I would give you this answer without any hesitation a year ago: “Yes, I do. I do believe in love, and I know there is someone somewhere waiting for you. All you have to do is to find him, and once you find him, you’ll live happily ever after” But now, I don’t know. After what happen with Jarry and Mr. Longman, I begin to wander why I can’t find that affirmative answer. Is it about them? Maybe they are not that “someone” for me. Or sadly, is it about me? Maybe I no longer believe in those “someone for everyone” theory. Because for the first time, I can say, maybe it’s about Jarry, for the second time, it’s about Mr. Longman. But if it happen again, I can’t lie to myself any more, it’s about me, which I’m so afraid to admit. That’s why I have to say “I’m dating the city”. I’m so afraid the third time will end up the same way it did before. I don’t want a man; I just want a city which I can’t abandon.

       I know I have been fooling myself, but sometimes, especially when it comes to love, you just need to be a fool to come across some obstacles even some wisest person find it impossible to conquer.

The Hill Show
02. Hill and the City

     

A few weeks ago, my dear senior Drugs asked me whether I’m single or not. My answer was: “I’m dating with the city!” And I wasn’t kidding. As a matter of fact, I am still dating with the city right now. Drugs and Vita, his beloved boyfriend, were totally shocked! This couple will never see what I see, how can they? They already have an apple in their eyes. Only we the non-couple (I refuse to use the word “single”, coz you see, I have a big date) know how to appreciate the beauty of the city of Guangzhou. What can I say? “Lucky me!”
      To date with the city, what an attempting thought. Single people, especially single gay people often viewed as pathetic or directly translated into “desperately seeking for a man” I don’t want that “poor little single Hill” judgment hanging over my head, and I’m tiresome to explain to those  who are so willing to say “wanna be my date?” that I do not need a man that bad. And now, by saying “I’m dating with the city” I think they can finally get the message that I’m not sad, coz I’m dating. And I’m not that available, coz once again, Guangzhou is my big date! Just like the typical fairly tale ending “Hill and his city lived happily ever after…”
      When you are non-couple and living in Guangzhou, there are countless places lining up to be your date: restaurants, theaters, bars, museums, most of all that 4 beautiful, quiet, romantic universities campus. I think I’m deeply in love with “my fair city” for 21 years. But I haven’t realized it up until quite recently, after my third relationship with Mr. Longman had ended. I still remember our last conversation was one of anger. He blamed me for not putting myself into our love, that I’m so selfish not to cherish him when I having him loving me so much, that I still missed my single life, blah blah blah… I wasn’t saying anything at that time, because I thought he wasn’t making any sense. But now, I know there is at least one thing right in his words: I was missing my “non-couple” life in this city where I can enjoy myself anytime anyplace I want, and most importantly, without begging Mr. Longman for his rarely shown sympathetic approval to do what I should be doing as a respectful human when I was so called “single”! Now I’m with my great love, Guangzhou city, who will entertain me with all he has, and won’t envy my friends the my little juniors, won’t stop me from being the person I want to be, won’t try to trap me as his dog in his own world of two, won’t complaint about not being the most important people in my life!
       Walking alone in the city, I suddenly find I take all my controls back; I can choose wherever I want to be my next stop, I can decide how long I’m ganna stay there, and most of all, there is smile on my face!

The Hill Show
01. welcome to the Hill show

      It’s been almost half a year that nothing new about my life has appeared in my dairy. After my first relationship with Mr. Monkey, I sore of realizing something: relationship is not a game show, it’s only a matter of two. We really don’t have to make it live on TV. So for the last 6 months, I got a model answer to the questions about my love affairs: “single? Yup, and I’m pretty much enjoy being in this state.” Well, that’s kind of cool!!!

        But these days, I’ve been thinking a lot, maybe my life is a show, or a movie that I’ve been shooting for 21 years. But its name is never to be “24”, I’m not gonna show you every single second of my life, I’m not yet brave enough to do so. In this film, it’s up to me that what and when is on. And after all the relationships and break ups, I’m once again back to where I started. Maybe the new season of “Hill show” is time to hit the theater. So welcome to the show, but just before the mega movie had started, I would like to remain you----the eager crow, that I’m the star of the Hill show, and the Hill show isn’t an ensemble drama, guests come and go, but I am the regular, it all comes down to me, me alone. Don’t try to ask me who these guests are, or how they are now. If you really wanna know, fine, just watch their shows!

        Ok , ladies and gentlemen, here comes the Hill show: